Eating Disorder Part 1- The trigger

  🚨Trigger warning alert🚨 

Dear readers, 

Today I would like to talk about something that may be a sensitive topic for certain people as it can be a triggering factor for your eating disorder. So, please read if you are ready as this post will still be available when you are mentally ready. I'm hoping this post can reach the right audiences so that we can survive this ‘battle’ together.

I went through an eating disorder a few years back (circa 2012) when I was in secondary school. It continues for the next 3 years until I miraculously cured myself. Maybe not completely cured mentally as I still have insecurities towards my body and weight but at least my relationship with food has improve tremendously.

The triggering event for my disorder was during the first few days in boarding school. It happened during supper when me and my roommates were sharing a tube of oreo. They ate only 3 pieces of it while I ate more because I wasn’t full. Then one of my friends said ‘aren’t you full?’ with a shocked face. I stopped eating and kept the oreo. Later that night, I kept thinking about her words and the negative thoughts start to haunt me. I woke up early the next morning and began analysing my body in front of the mirror. That’s the moment I decided to start my unhealthy diet journey.

I began to over-analyse my food intake and body size. Luckily I didn’t have any scale or it could have been worse. I portioned my food, stop taking rice and skipped breakfast and dinner (sometimes I take supper if the menu is decent). As a reward, I would usually allow myself one apollo after some contemplation. My weight loss was slow but continuous. My collarbones were showing, arms getting thinner and body felt slightly weak. Luckily I didn’t experience any of those horrifying symptoms (hair loss, brittle teeth, anemia etc) 🙌🏻 one of my habit was to measure my wrist, arms and stomach. If it fits my standard, then I’ll feel satisfied or accomplished (sad to remember how that was the thing that makes me happy).

My BMI was underweight (around 16) and my mind kept thinking that ‘oh I can make the numbers lower’ ‘this is not low enough’. The weight loss slowly becomes apparent to the point that my parents and siblings start to become concern of my health. They threatened to send me to hospital for treatment. So, I decided to eat well in front of them (just enough food to make people believe without overeating) during holidays and resume my ‘diet’ in boarding school. It works well and yields the result I was aiming for. I tried to vomit my food but it was too painful that I gave up. Aside from that, I also began to workout like crazy (at least two hours of intense workout). My weight remains stagnant at 42 kg for a year but I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted the numbers to become lower. I began to be toxic to myself. My obsession was becoming dangerous and life threatening.

Physically, my body felt weak while trying to put on a façade to avoid people from discovering the truth. Mentally, my mind is very toxic with all those negative thoughts. I was very unhappy. I ate only one meal per day (3/4 of my plate is filled with vegetables and 1/4 is chicken). My stomach got used to the small food intake and it rarely grumbles. Sometimes I snack but I would usually try to burn it immediately by exercising. It was exhausting but I can't stop. I was in dire need of help. 

Next post for the recovery story